Telling the Story Again
October 20 ,2020
In 2009, I (Carlee) began to blog as a way of updating the army of caring, praying people about my battle with cancer. I had ignorantly poked fun of bloggers in the past, ("Who has time to write about their everyday life?") and suddenly, I was one! I was sick and weak, and being the communicator was a small way I could help the family team that was rafting us down the white-knuckle river of Cancer. I found often that God showed up to me in my blogging, gave me clarity and understanding glimpses into the meta-narrative of what He was about in my life and His kingdom.
As my health returned, the inspiration to blog slipped away. I was so gratefully busy living life. Now there are times when I'll read back over old posts and my old broken self challenges my current busy self to a perspective that seems to have left me. I need the reminders.
I've been amazed at how many women have found this blog at the start of their own cancer journey, and have expressed that it has been a source of hope. I am so very grateful, and that is why I want to keep it here, accessible to others. It's going to take a while, there are over 100 blog posts to be harvested from our old site and transplanted here. Maybe I can get a few of my tech-savvy kiddos to give me a hand. :)
Malachi 3:16 paints a picture that is precious to me, because it tells me that when we declare the goodness of the Lord to each other, it matters to God. That is the goal of these memories,
Original Blog
As my health returned, the inspiration to blog slipped away. I was so gratefully busy living life. Now there are times when I'll read back over old posts and my old broken self challenges my current busy self to a perspective that seems to have left me. I need the reminders.
I've been amazed at how many women have found this blog at the start of their own cancer journey, and have expressed that it has been a source of hope. I am so very grateful, and that is why I want to keep it here, accessible to others. It's going to take a while, there are over 100 blog posts to be harvested from our old site and transplanted here. Maybe I can get a few of my tech-savvy kiddos to give me a hand. :)
Malachi 3:16 paints a picture that is precious to me, because it tells me that when we declare the goodness of the Lord to each other, it matters to God. That is the goal of these memories,
Today, I am 10 years out from treatment. I later learned that my chance of making 5 years without a recurrence of my cancer had been about 15%. These years are a gift I will never cease to treasure and thank God for."Then those whose lives honored God spoke with one another. The Lord paid attention and heard them, and a book of remembrance was written before Him of those who feared the Lord and esteemed His name."
Original Blog
How to Keep from Sounding Hollow?
June 09 ,2009
Nathan, Dani, and I were just enjoying those sacred moments when the children are tucked in bed at last... Perhaps the most exhausted yet peaceful moments of the day. With the exception of Kate getting up to tell us something was on the wall, and Wesley pulling down the window shade in the bedroom with shouts of glee, all was peaceful. :) We started talking about something I’ve been reflecting on today.
How to do you keep from sounding hollow? It feels like right now I am saying a lot of words. A lot of phrases that started as fresh are starting to sound like something I am saying too often. How many times have I told someone, “I know that God is just as good now that I have cancer as He was before.”
When I say, “I have always trusted God with my life, and in that way, nothing has changed.” I am trying to state to them the condition of my spirit. But to myself I am starting to sound a little like a broken record. At what point do words become living?
It seems that there is a comfort to those around me in seeing and knowing that I am okay. Twice in the last two days I’ve been told, “I just needed to see you, to see if you really are okay.” I guess the fact that I’m still smiling and laughing and enjoying life is important. Is that what it means to live out trust in a hard place? But it takes no effort! It’s just genuinely being how I feel... covered in the cloak of a knowing God... like when you’re a little girl and you put on Daddy’s coat and it is so big it just swallows you in coziness. Mostly, my heart is there.
So today I wondered how I can keep my words from really being hollow and redundant. How do you live the words that you really mean? It makes me wonder what is ahead. I guess I want to be a person who says less and lives more. I don’t want to speak what is false, to build a castle out of statements that can be easily laid seige by my enemy.
When I was just a Mommy of toddlers, I had little visions of what it meant when I said that my deepest desire is that my life would show the bigness and glory of God. Now I’m in a new place, and I say it, but I surely can’t picture it. So I guess I’ll just keep speaking, and trust for the grace to live it along the way.
When Life Gets a Little Lumpy
June 06 ,2009
Forgive the title, it’s just a true statement of where we are at! I think that when something devastating happens, that it really is a test of what you’ve been saying on the easier days. Just for the record, God is still good, even when cancer comes. I have always believed that to be the case, now I am finding out that it is true.
I like to celebrate things, its just part of who I am. Last night, after the wee ones were tucked in bed, Nathaniel and Danielle and I were trying to decide if we were going to have ice cream on top of our brownies. Of course, I was arguing FOR the ice cream, “Come on, guys! It’s a celebration! A celebration of….” I was quickly racking my brain thinking what we could be celebrating, maybe that fact that Kate was potty trained this week? What was last week? And it sort of hit me like a train wreck.
Oh yeah. Right about this time last week we had just finished the last call to our family telling them the news we had received that day. How exactly do you go about telling your Mom and Dad that you have an aggressive form of cancer? Gratefully, Nathan made that call for me, but at the end of all the calls, we were so exhausted and wasted. We just laid in bed and held each other and cried.
My wake up call the next morning was Nathan’s Dad calling with such sweet words of encouragement. “Carlee, have you read the Psalm for the day?” I hadn’t yet; I had just been laying there with my eyes wide open, wondering how your life can switch priorities in such a rush. He read to me, and it was the beginning trickle of the flood of promises that has carried us along this week. Here are some excerpts from Psalm 30:
O LORD my God, I cried out to You,
And You healed me.
O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit….
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
I cried out to You, O LORD;
And to the LORD I made supplication:
“What profit is there in my blood,
When I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it declare Your truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
LORD, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
What sweet promises! And so we started through the week. On Thursday evening we finally received the pathology reports from the Doctor. Overall, we felt like it was really good news. She said it isn’t exactly what she was hoping for as far as the most responsive cancer, but that it isn’t the worse either.
We had been told to prepare for an immediate mastectomy, and were so relieved to learn that they have decided to suggest chemo first, for a few months perhaps, and then the mastectomy. It feels like that gives plenty of time for us to make an informed decision, and plenty of time for God to work!
Our plan right now is that I am flying to Anchorage where I will have some tests done on the 17th of June. I will be admitted that night, and labor will be induced in the early hours of the 18th. Gratefully, baby will be at 36 weeks then and should be just fine.
At my request (they wanted to schedule a MRI the same day baby is born!) I will have Thursday through Sunday to just enjoy the sweetness of being a Mommy to a new little soul. Hurrah!
Monday morning, June 22, the adventure really begins as I will be scheduled for tests like MRI and CAT scans, they need to see if there is cancer elsewhere in my body. On Tuesday we’ll meet with the surgeon and oncologist about those tests. On Wednesday I will have surgery to remove the sentinel lymph nodes for biopsy, which will tell us how far the cancer has pushed into my body. If we choose to follow through on the chemo route, they will also install a port into my chest at that time.
The 25th will be the day we hear about the lymph node biopsy, and it will give us a glimpse as far as how far this cancer has progressed. At that time, we will get the final recommendation of the chemo they want me to begin, and they want me to start right away.
I know they want me to stay in Anchorage to see how I respond, it may be just 10 days or so, perhaps even up to a month. There is some hope that I could do a chemo treatment in Anchorage, then one in Nome, and continue switching back and forth. It would surely give me more time at home. It is all pretty speculative right now, because we have to know what these scans and biopsies say before we really know how to proceed.
We’re crazily trying to figure out all we can about cancer and it’s treatments, praying for direction regarding the children and whether or not they should come to Anchorage for the first little while. My dream is that we can all be there together for them to meet the baby.
The days are flying by, and we’ve been so blessed with dear friends who have dropped meals by, or let the children come for a play date. Getting up each morning and seeing notes of encouragement from people I love so dearly and those I don’t even know has been a sort of link to reality, and a precious source of encouragement.
I asked Dani the other day if there was something wrong with the fact that I was just rejoicing, happy, and absolutely at peace. Who better to know if you’re in denial than your little sister? As we chatted we agreed that the times of tears and grief are there too, but it is reality for me that God has always been trustworthy with my life. That didn’t change when I found out I had cancer. He is still God, and Jesus’ own testimony is that His Father is always working! I know that He can heal me, and I am asking Him to do so, But first and foremost I am asking Him to use me for His glory. I was praying that prayer before all this happened, so in that regard, nothing has changed.
I like to celebrate things, its just part of who I am. Last night, after the wee ones were tucked in bed, Nathaniel and Danielle and I were trying to decide if we were going to have ice cream on top of our brownies. Of course, I was arguing FOR the ice cream, “Come on, guys! It’s a celebration! A celebration of….” I was quickly racking my brain thinking what we could be celebrating, maybe that fact that Kate was potty trained this week? What was last week? And it sort of hit me like a train wreck.
Oh yeah. Right about this time last week we had just finished the last call to our family telling them the news we had received that day. How exactly do you go about telling your Mom and Dad that you have an aggressive form of cancer? Gratefully, Nathan made that call for me, but at the end of all the calls, we were so exhausted and wasted. We just laid in bed and held each other and cried.
My wake up call the next morning was Nathan’s Dad calling with such sweet words of encouragement. “Carlee, have you read the Psalm for the day?” I hadn’t yet; I had just been laying there with my eyes wide open, wondering how your life can switch priorities in such a rush. He read to me, and it was the beginning trickle of the flood of promises that has carried us along this week. Here are some excerpts from Psalm 30:
O LORD my God, I cried out to You,
And You healed me.
O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit….
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
I cried out to You, O LORD;
And to the LORD I made supplication:
“What profit is there in my blood,
When I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it declare Your truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
LORD, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
What sweet promises! And so we started through the week. On Thursday evening we finally received the pathology reports from the Doctor. Overall, we felt like it was really good news. She said it isn’t exactly what she was hoping for as far as the most responsive cancer, but that it isn’t the worse either.
We had been told to prepare for an immediate mastectomy, and were so relieved to learn that they have decided to suggest chemo first, for a few months perhaps, and then the mastectomy. It feels like that gives plenty of time for us to make an informed decision, and plenty of time for God to work!
Our plan right now is that I am flying to Anchorage where I will have some tests done on the 17th of June. I will be admitted that night, and labor will be induced in the early hours of the 18th. Gratefully, baby will be at 36 weeks then and should be just fine.
At my request (they wanted to schedule a MRI the same day baby is born!) I will have Thursday through Sunday to just enjoy the sweetness of being a Mommy to a new little soul. Hurrah!
Monday morning, June 22, the adventure really begins as I will be scheduled for tests like MRI and CAT scans, they need to see if there is cancer elsewhere in my body. On Tuesday we’ll meet with the surgeon and oncologist about those tests. On Wednesday I will have surgery to remove the sentinel lymph nodes for biopsy, which will tell us how far the cancer has pushed into my body. If we choose to follow through on the chemo route, they will also install a port into my chest at that time.
The 25th will be the day we hear about the lymph node biopsy, and it will give us a glimpse as far as how far this cancer has progressed. At that time, we will get the final recommendation of the chemo they want me to begin, and they want me to start right away.
I know they want me to stay in Anchorage to see how I respond, it may be just 10 days or so, perhaps even up to a month. There is some hope that I could do a chemo treatment in Anchorage, then one in Nome, and continue switching back and forth. It would surely give me more time at home. It is all pretty speculative right now, because we have to know what these scans and biopsies say before we really know how to proceed.
We’re crazily trying to figure out all we can about cancer and it’s treatments, praying for direction regarding the children and whether or not they should come to Anchorage for the first little while. My dream is that we can all be there together for them to meet the baby.
The days are flying by, and we’ve been so blessed with dear friends who have dropped meals by, or let the children come for a play date. Getting up each morning and seeing notes of encouragement from people I love so dearly and those I don’t even know has been a sort of link to reality, and a precious source of encouragement.
I asked Dani the other day if there was something wrong with the fact that I was just rejoicing, happy, and absolutely at peace. Who better to know if you’re in denial than your little sister? As we chatted we agreed that the times of tears and grief are there too, but it is reality for me that God has always been trustworthy with my life. That didn’t change when I found out I had cancer. He is still God, and Jesus’ own testimony is that His Father is always working! I know that He can heal me, and I am asking Him to do so, But first and foremost I am asking Him to use me for His glory. I was praying that prayer before all this happened, so in that regard, nothing has changed.
Please keep praying for us, I think the grace we have experienced is a direct result of so many prayers on our behalf. Pray for my wonderful Nathaniel, he is bearing SO much right now. Pray for housing for a family in Anchorage, wisdom with the chemo and treatments, and protection for our wee baby-to-be-born. And please hug your children more, kiss your husband a little longer when he comes home from work, tell those you love WHY you love them. Cancer is to my life like polish is to silver, it causes my treasures to gleam even brighter.
Thank you, from Nathaniel
June 02 ,2009
Bering Sea just off Front Street in Nome, Alaska, at springtime breakup.
Seems impossible to put into words what is in our hearts at this moment. So much love is being poured out and prayer on Carlee’s behalf and our family. Thank you for EVERY prayer being sent to the Father for us. We are more than overwhelmed at the love coming from the family of God. We have purposed to stand with David in the scriptures when he said in Chapter 34, “I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continually be in my mouth.”
I believe this is more about the work of God in Nome than about Carlee having cancer. I believe God is wanting to do a mighty work in this community of healing and redemption and Carlee is somehow part of that. We have been praying for more than 4 years that God would change the face of Nome. I believe He is. Sunday was a testimony of that as somewhere between 40 to 60 people stayed after church for a prayer and healing service that went till 4:00 PM. God met with us in such a powerful way as we literally cried out to Him in one voice for the healing of Carlee and for many others, both physically and spiritually. It was AWESOME to see God working in His church through the believers and feel His presence in such a close and dramatic way. We are trusting God’s perfect will to do be done that He might receive maximum praise to His name.
We will be posting updates here on our site of the happenings and adventures of what God is doing.
We love you all.
Nate for Carlee and the rest.
PRAYER FOCUS & REQUEST:
Please cry out to God for Nome as you lift our family to the Lord. I believe that God may just be using Carlee to spotlight Nome to recruit prayer support for the revival He is bringing. The battle and warfare are great but the tide is turning and God’s warriors are rousing and I believe our Lion is on the lose. There’s so much more to this story than I have time to put here but friends, GOD IS WORKING, and Satan is mad and we stand against Him in Jesus and through prayer agreeing for the deliverance of this town. Just ask Jesus how you are to pray for Nome and our family and pray what He says to you. Amen!
Seems impossible to put into words what is in our hearts at this moment. So much love is being poured out and prayer on Carlee’s behalf and our family. Thank you for EVERY prayer being sent to the Father for us. We are more than overwhelmed at the love coming from the family of God. We have purposed to stand with David in the scriptures when he said in Chapter 34, “I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continually be in my mouth.”
I believe this is more about the work of God in Nome than about Carlee having cancer. I believe God is wanting to do a mighty work in this community of healing and redemption and Carlee is somehow part of that. We have been praying for more than 4 years that God would change the face of Nome. I believe He is. Sunday was a testimony of that as somewhere between 40 to 60 people stayed after church for a prayer and healing service that went till 4:00 PM. God met with us in such a powerful way as we literally cried out to Him in one voice for the healing of Carlee and for many others, both physically and spiritually. It was AWESOME to see God working in His church through the believers and feel His presence in such a close and dramatic way. We are trusting God’s perfect will to do be done that He might receive maximum praise to His name.
We will be posting updates here on our site of the happenings and adventures of what God is doing.
We love you all.
Nate for Carlee and the rest.
PRAYER FOCUS & REQUEST:
Please cry out to God for Nome as you lift our family to the Lord. I believe that God may just be using Carlee to spotlight Nome to recruit prayer support for the revival He is bringing. The battle and warfare are great but the tide is turning and God’s warriors are rousing and I believe our Lion is on the lose. There’s so much more to this story than I have time to put here but friends, GOD IS WORKING, and Satan is mad and we stand against Him in Jesus and through prayer agreeing for the deliverance of this town. Just ask Jesus how you are to pray for Nome and our family and pray what He says to you. Amen!