When Life Gets a Little Lumpy
June 06 ,2009
Forgive the title, it’s just a true statement of where we are at! I think that when something devastating happens, that it really is a test of what you’ve been saying on the easier days. Just for the record, God is still good, even when cancer comes. I have always believed that to be the case, now I am finding out that it is true.
I like to celebrate things, its just part of who I am. Last night, after the wee ones were tucked in bed, Nathaniel and Danielle and I were trying to decide if we were going to have ice cream on top of our brownies. Of course, I was arguing FOR the ice cream, “Come on, guys! It’s a celebration! A celebration of….” I was quickly racking my brain thinking what we could be celebrating, maybe that fact that Kate was potty trained this week? What was last week? And it sort of hit me like a train wreck.
Oh yeah. Right about this time last week we had just finished the last call to our family telling them the news we had received that day. How exactly do you go about telling your Mom and Dad that you have an aggressive form of cancer? Gratefully, Nathan made that call for me, but at the end of all the calls, we were so exhausted and wasted. We just laid in bed and held each other and cried.
My wake up call the next morning was Nathan’s Dad calling with such sweet words of encouragement. “Carlee, have you read the Psalm for the day?” I hadn’t yet; I had just been laying there with my eyes wide open, wondering how your life can switch priorities in such a rush. He read to me, and it was the beginning trickle of the flood of promises that has carried us along this week. Here are some excerpts from Psalm 30:
O LORD my God, I cried out to You,
And You healed me.
O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit….
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
I cried out to You, O LORD;
And to the LORD I made supplication:
“What profit is there in my blood,
When I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it declare Your truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
LORD, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
What sweet promises! And so we started through the week. On Thursday evening we finally received the pathology reports from the Doctor. Overall, we felt like it was really good news. She said it isn’t exactly what she was hoping for as far as the most responsive cancer, but that it isn’t the worse either.
We had been told to prepare for an immediate mastectomy, and were so relieved to learn that they have decided to suggest chemo first, for a few months perhaps, and then the mastectomy. It feels like that gives plenty of time for us to make an informed decision, and plenty of time for God to work!
Our plan right now is that I am flying to Anchorage where I will have some tests done on the 17th of June. I will be admitted that night, and labor will be induced in the early hours of the 18th. Gratefully, baby will be at 36 weeks then and should be just fine.
At my request (they wanted to schedule a MRI the same day baby is born!) I will have Thursday through Sunday to just enjoy the sweetness of being a Mommy to a new little soul. Hurrah!
Monday morning, June 22, the adventure really begins as I will be scheduled for tests like MRI and CAT scans, they need to see if there is cancer elsewhere in my body. On Tuesday we’ll meet with the surgeon and oncologist about those tests. On Wednesday I will have surgery to remove the sentinel lymph nodes for biopsy, which will tell us how far the cancer has pushed into my body. If we choose to follow through on the chemo route, they will also install a port into my chest at that time.
The 25th will be the day we hear about the lymph node biopsy, and it will give us a glimpse as far as how far this cancer has progressed. At that time, we will get the final recommendation of the chemo they want me to begin, and they want me to start right away.
I know they want me to stay in Anchorage to see how I respond, it may be just 10 days or so, perhaps even up to a month. There is some hope that I could do a chemo treatment in Anchorage, then one in Nome, and continue switching back and forth. It would surely give me more time at home. It is all pretty speculative right now, because we have to know what these scans and biopsies say before we really know how to proceed.
We’re crazily trying to figure out all we can about cancer and it’s treatments, praying for direction regarding the children and whether or not they should come to Anchorage for the first little while. My dream is that we can all be there together for them to meet the baby.
The days are flying by, and we’ve been so blessed with dear friends who have dropped meals by, or let the children come for a play date. Getting up each morning and seeing notes of encouragement from people I love so dearly and those I don’t even know has been a sort of link to reality, and a precious source of encouragement.
I asked Dani the other day if there was something wrong with the fact that I was just rejoicing, happy, and absolutely at peace. Who better to know if you’re in denial than your little sister? As we chatted we agreed that the times of tears and grief are there too, but it is reality for me that God has always been trustworthy with my life. That didn’t change when I found out I had cancer. He is still God, and Jesus’ own testimony is that His Father is always working! I know that He can heal me, and I am asking Him to do so, But first and foremost I am asking Him to use me for His glory. I was praying that prayer before all this happened, so in that regard, nothing has changed.
I like to celebrate things, its just part of who I am. Last night, after the wee ones were tucked in bed, Nathaniel and Danielle and I were trying to decide if we were going to have ice cream on top of our brownies. Of course, I was arguing FOR the ice cream, “Come on, guys! It’s a celebration! A celebration of….” I was quickly racking my brain thinking what we could be celebrating, maybe that fact that Kate was potty trained this week? What was last week? And it sort of hit me like a train wreck.
Oh yeah. Right about this time last week we had just finished the last call to our family telling them the news we had received that day. How exactly do you go about telling your Mom and Dad that you have an aggressive form of cancer? Gratefully, Nathan made that call for me, but at the end of all the calls, we were so exhausted and wasted. We just laid in bed and held each other and cried.
My wake up call the next morning was Nathan’s Dad calling with such sweet words of encouragement. “Carlee, have you read the Psalm for the day?” I hadn’t yet; I had just been laying there with my eyes wide open, wondering how your life can switch priorities in such a rush. He read to me, and it was the beginning trickle of the flood of promises that has carried us along this week. Here are some excerpts from Psalm 30:
O LORD my God, I cried out to You,
And You healed me.
O LORD, You brought my soul up from the grave;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit….
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
I cried out to You, O LORD;
And to the LORD I made supplication:
“What profit is there in my blood,
When I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it declare Your truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me;
LORD, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
What sweet promises! And so we started through the week. On Thursday evening we finally received the pathology reports from the Doctor. Overall, we felt like it was really good news. She said it isn’t exactly what she was hoping for as far as the most responsive cancer, but that it isn’t the worse either.
We had been told to prepare for an immediate mastectomy, and were so relieved to learn that they have decided to suggest chemo first, for a few months perhaps, and then the mastectomy. It feels like that gives plenty of time for us to make an informed decision, and plenty of time for God to work!
Our plan right now is that I am flying to Anchorage where I will have some tests done on the 17th of June. I will be admitted that night, and labor will be induced in the early hours of the 18th. Gratefully, baby will be at 36 weeks then and should be just fine.
At my request (they wanted to schedule a MRI the same day baby is born!) I will have Thursday through Sunday to just enjoy the sweetness of being a Mommy to a new little soul. Hurrah!
Monday morning, June 22, the adventure really begins as I will be scheduled for tests like MRI and CAT scans, they need to see if there is cancer elsewhere in my body. On Tuesday we’ll meet with the surgeon and oncologist about those tests. On Wednesday I will have surgery to remove the sentinel lymph nodes for biopsy, which will tell us how far the cancer has pushed into my body. If we choose to follow through on the chemo route, they will also install a port into my chest at that time.
The 25th will be the day we hear about the lymph node biopsy, and it will give us a glimpse as far as how far this cancer has progressed. At that time, we will get the final recommendation of the chemo they want me to begin, and they want me to start right away.
I know they want me to stay in Anchorage to see how I respond, it may be just 10 days or so, perhaps even up to a month. There is some hope that I could do a chemo treatment in Anchorage, then one in Nome, and continue switching back and forth. It would surely give me more time at home. It is all pretty speculative right now, because we have to know what these scans and biopsies say before we really know how to proceed.
We’re crazily trying to figure out all we can about cancer and it’s treatments, praying for direction regarding the children and whether or not they should come to Anchorage for the first little while. My dream is that we can all be there together for them to meet the baby.
The days are flying by, and we’ve been so blessed with dear friends who have dropped meals by, or let the children come for a play date. Getting up each morning and seeing notes of encouragement from people I love so dearly and those I don’t even know has been a sort of link to reality, and a precious source of encouragement.
I asked Dani the other day if there was something wrong with the fact that I was just rejoicing, happy, and absolutely at peace. Who better to know if you’re in denial than your little sister? As we chatted we agreed that the times of tears and grief are there too, but it is reality for me that God has always been trustworthy with my life. That didn’t change when I found out I had cancer. He is still God, and Jesus’ own testimony is that His Father is always working! I know that He can heal me, and I am asking Him to do so, But first and foremost I am asking Him to use me for His glory. I was praying that prayer before all this happened, so in that regard, nothing has changed.
Please keep praying for us, I think the grace we have experienced is a direct result of so many prayers on our behalf. Pray for my wonderful Nathaniel, he is bearing SO much right now. Pray for housing for a family in Anchorage, wisdom with the chemo and treatments, and protection for our wee baby-to-be-born. And please hug your children more, kiss your husband a little longer when he comes home from work, tell those you love WHY you love them. Cancer is to my life like polish is to silver, it causes my treasures to gleam even brighter.